So much has happened since my latest attempt at putting all of these feelings to paper (metaphorically speaking, anyway). My family has been through a lot in the last year-- illness, death, debt, relocation, illness, death, debt, relocation, debt, and relocation. Throughout this entire time, I tried to be the voice of hope for my family. It's a role that I've often taken when times have been hard, doing all I can to remind my family of our faith. You know,

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."
                                                                                                                                                                                 - Romans 12:12

So I rejoiced, was patient and continued praying and things began turning around! My family is healthy and life is good!

So why do I feel so blue?

At the end of May I was blessed with the opportunity to hang out with some of my best friends, virtually non-stop for a whole weekend. It was honestly one of the best times I've had in my life entire life. Not because we were out every night, living it up like a bunch of "celebutantes," but simply because I was able to see so many ways in which God has truly blessed me with a second family, a closeness unlike any other. I have found in my friends what some people never knowingly experience in the sum total of their lives: unconditional love.

Love is something that I so deeply cherish and anyone who knows me knows that I do not throw this word around lightly. I hesitate to claim to "love" the things of this world (i.e. movies, food-- even people), because if I love Mexican food and Boyz II Men and I love God, am I then equating dining preference and a musical group to the Almighty Creator of the Universe and all things within it?

I am not saying that it is a "sin" to say that you love pizza or even that you love certain people. But I will caution you on the overuse of this deeply expressive word.

When I returned from my wonderful weekend with friends, I slowly began to realize that I had left behind all of these people and surroundings that I miss and love so terribly much. I wasn't okay with that. I wasn't bothered so much that I wouldn't be around my friends all the time (I mean, let's be real-- a little quality/quantity time can go a long way, especially with girls ) but more so by the fact that I now had to sustain my relationship with God all on my own.

In college, it can be very easy to use heavy involvment in campus ministries, conferences, Christian concerts, and sometimes college town churches as a substitute for an actual living, breathing relationship with Christ. We attend social events, all under the guise of bible study, leadership meetings, and church, and we take in as much "God-stuff" as we can. We read and memorize the required Scripture verses, pray the "thank you" and "please bless" prayers, we sing the tear-triggering songs. Then summer or graduation comes. Things happen and we're unable to attend church. We're no longer in our little cocoon of holiness. We become lax. We fall away from God.

I say all of these things, not to criticize current Christian culture. I just want to let others know that they are not alone, but that your relationship with God, as with any relationship, requires work. It is very tempting once school gets out-- either for the summer or for the rest of your life-- to neglect all things tiring. Unfortunately, actively seeking God can fall into this category. I am just as guilty as the next person, thinking "Hey, if I can just make it through the next couple of weeks, I'll be back at school again where I have all those people to help and encourage me and I can get back on track with God."

There's one problem with that theory: I miss Him too much.

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you..."
                                                                                                                                                                                          - Isaiah 26:9

In fact, as Christians, we cannot survive without Him in our lives. We cannot truly live without having Christ be a part of our daily lives, without talking to Him about our day, having Him fill up our heart. Think of all of the things that we experience on a continual basis that drain from us all happiness, feeling of joy and zest for life? Count all of the disappointments that overwhelm us every day. How can we survive the daily battles of life without knowing God? And how can we know Him without doing at least a little work?

It's so important for us to realize that anything worth having is worth working for. It's even more important for us to realize that as much as God wants us to work to know Him, our works do not define our relationship with Him! Work that is done to get to know your God are different from the works people do because they think they need to earn His favor. Working on getting to know Him pleases God, but working so that you obtain salvation brings no pleasure to Him at all.

Life is filled with so many ups and downs and trials and tribulations, but as long as we remember to keep our minds stayed on the Lord and to earnestly seek Him, we will never drift away and we will discover that God alone is love and God alone is sufficient.

Blessed n Knowing That Her God Loves Her and Wants Her to Get to Know Him More,
Aisha

"Beg"
by Shane & Shane

"Here I am
One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

.:Pre-Chorus:.
I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

::CHORUS::
So I beg for You to move
I beg for You to move
I beg for You to break through
(repeat)

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love You with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

.:Pre-Chorus:.

//Bridge//
These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

::CHORUS::"

I'm trying to keep my head up and keep on smiling in the face of adversity, but the wider I smile, the harder it becomes to hold back the tears. Everything is turning upside down; just when I think things will get better, they seem to get much worse. Sure, they're not as bad as they could be, but they certainly aren't as good as anyone feels they should be.

I'm at that point where wants and needs collide and fewer of both are met. The worst part is that I can't even express how I feel for a word or a look could act as a catalyst in the eye of the storm. So for now I bottle everything up and bite my lip until it finally all comes exploding over the sides of my life, spilling onto the lives of everyone around me, staining important documents and soggying cherished photographs.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know the "right, Biblical" thing to do is to hold on because God will prevail, but anyone who ever gave that advice (myself included) may have had a tendency to forget just how hard "holding on" really is

Right now, from the bottom of my heart, I covet your prayers! Please, just pray for everything to be made whole and new again and that I would have the strength to be strong and perservere! I find I'm losing much needed patience and I need it back very soon!

Thank you!

Blessed Even If She Can't Always See It,
Aisha